I have literally become a zombie. A living dead. A ghost. I have lost all ability to sleep, and all hope in human beings. I spent the entire night last night curled up under the covers replaying scenarios repeatedly. It feels as though I'm locked in a small room with a terribly scratched cd on repeat and having no choice but to sit and listen. At this point I have lost all faith in the human race. There seems to be no one left in this world with a shred of kindness; instead the world focuses on it's own personal gain with not even a thought as to the pain it causes others. I need sleep. It's actually been two whole 24 hour periods since my mind last rested. It's exhausting. Throw in a six month old daughter in there as well.

Do I not deserve an explaination? Am I that much of a pushover that I'll allow it to continue? No. Although I don't know where to go from here, I know I can't allow it. I have to push through and find a balance in everything. I have to find some sort of light. In ten years, I've caught no breaks when it comes to pain and traumatising experiences and in the words of The Used, "this time I'm not letting myself die."

From an outsiders perspective, I'm sure you're thinking to yourself "suck it up". I assure you, I've been doing this for months upon months and unfortunately, I have no more room left inside of me to hold it in any longer. I've reached that infamous breaking point and may God bless those who stand in my way now.

Thank you Brand New for writing all those songs to me. Every lyric you've ever written I can associate myself with and it helps in the healing process.

I have to make a huge decision this week and it looks as if I'll be making it alone and it worries me. There is absolutely nothing I can tell myself that makes either choice better than the other. It's the main cause of my sleeplessness.

Is there really no Time Machine invented yet? Hey all you mad scientists -- let me be your guinea pig.

First Post

Wow. First official blog post since the days of Xanga. No pressure, right?

There's not too much to say at the moment, although I'm sure as the day goes I'll need to blog just to keep from going crazy. Blogging seems like a good, safe way to empty my thoughts when necessary (and trust me it's necessary all too often).

I do think it's crazy how I'm a "morning person" all of a sudden. This time two years ago you couldn't have gotten me up at 6am for anything and now, 6am is the norm. That's how you know you love your little one :)

I'm going to keep this blog pretty short and sweet. It's way too early to dive into my deep thoughts. The thought is exhausting.

So for now.. Goodbye!